Sarah Ditum

The Pope is coming to see you! And he’s very, very concerned that so many Africans are dying from a preventable, treatable disease, so he’s taking extra powerful steps to help. Will it be money? Will it be pragmatic sexual education?

HIV/Aids was, he [the Pope] argued, “a tragedy that cannot be overcome by money alone, that cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which can even increase the problem”

So no money, then, and no pragmatic sexual education. What is the Pope’s godly plan?

Pope Benedict said on the eve of his trip that he wanted to wrap his arms around the entire continent, with “its painful wounds, its enormous potential and hopes”.

Oh. Turns out Africa is getting a big, Papal hug. Any other vague and empty gestures in your bag of tricks, Pope Benedict?

The solution lay, he said, in a “spiritual and human awakening” and “friendship for those who suffer”.

But try not to feel too short-changed by this, people of Africa. Because a metaphorical hug is all the physical affection the Pope plans on you having:

While in Africa, the pontiff is expected to talk to young people about the Aids epidemic and explain to them why the Catholic Church recommends sexual abstinence as the best way to prevent the spread of the disease.

So that’s ok, then. Just as long as everyone can avoid having sex indefinitely, the Aids crisis can be eliminated! This is exactly the kind of radical thinking we need God’s representative on Earth to come out with! I would have just gone for the rusty old ‘save lives, ameliorate suffering’ angle, but Benedict’s got bigger things in mind: he’s looking out for your immortal, implausible soul. Wait, why can I hear singing?