Birdy num num

Inspired by Felix’s anti-VD, I shamefacedly present what might be the world’s only successful abstinence-only sex ed campaign. This is my non-winning  entry to a bad sex writing competition – after the jump, because you really shouldn’t look unless you’re an adult who consents to being made to feel a bit sick.


Her pubic hair sat straw-like, a nest between the tender branches of her thighs over which her hands fluttered like solicitous parent birds ministering to the hungry mouth of their chick. Yes, he saw it now and then as her fingers glided over her mons veneris, the gaping red maw of that hungry avian infant, begging for the regurgitated goodness which its parents held in their bellies. He felt nature surge through him, summoning his torrid member to take its part in the drama of the forest before him. His ferocious man-part stood rampant. It was a hunter, a wild mongoose entering the nest to devour the baby in its warm, soft bed of dark delight. But at the critical moment, a different impulse overtook him: in the secret centre, care overcame the carnivore, and a desire to nourish led the mongoose to open its mouth to the ravenous beak within, disgorging the sweet meal which the parent birds could not afford, no matter how they beat their wings. And in the moment of ecstasy, he heard – yes! – birdsong ascending from the woodland of his lover’s body, sweet chirrups of gratitude which acknowledged the magnificence of his penis’s generosity.

4 thoughts on “Birdy num num

  1. I love the idea of ‘bad sex writing’ as the basis for a competition…

    And this is impressively, astoundingly, offensively, brilliantly, hilariously, intelligently bad.

    Good butchered similes, and brilliant pastiche. Marvellous. Women should carry copies of this to deter unwelcome advances.

  2. And this lost? *Really?* Good lord.

    Still, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t somewhat … interested in what you were trying to convey.

    But that’s probably just me. And it means I need to book those special sessions, doesn’t it?

  3. I sort of wish I hadn’t read this. So much imagery I can’t lose and for some reason it’s illustrated in my head by Quentin Blake.

  4. I’m struggling to think of a competition that this wouldn’t win. It should win the national lottery as well as the Booker, Turner and possibly a brace of Nobel prizes.

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