Earlier this week, Paperhouse was invited to sit in on an editorial meeting at the Good Men Project, where we were privileged to witness the genesis of one of the greatest, most boundary-breaking works on sexual desire ever to appear on the internet: Mark Radcliffe’s In Praise Of Small-Breasted Women, in which he bravely explained how more than a handful’s a waste and he would like to get his hands all over them titties, girl. The following transcript gives a key insight into how the GMP is working to reflect the multidimensionality of men and manhood (and if you don’t understand that long word, it’s probably because you’re a dumb broad with a big chest).
[The GOOD MEN enter the meeting room. They have SOULFUL EYES and wear CARDIGANS IN NON-THREATENING COLOURS. They sit their GOOD ASSES down on the waiting BEANBAGS.]
JUSTIN: So I think we know why we’re here. Mark has an editorial idea he’d like to share.
MARK: I have a fucking great angle about how I don’t hate bitches.
JUSTIN: Quite. Mark’s run it past me and it seems just the sort of affirmative, broadly pro-dick messaging we’re trying to push. So I guess we could start with you just sort of outlining the main gist of it.
MARK: Sure. Well, I was thinking about what men are always getting a bad rap for. The usual shit – institutionalised inequality, pervasive sexualisation. I realised what it all comes down to is big tits.
JOSH: Big tits?
MARK: Yeah. Bitches hate it when guys like big tits. They think it reduces all women to a set of sexual equipment.
JUSTIN: Well it’s true that lad mags have normalised an image of women validated by the shape of their bodies…
MARK: Fucking exactly. But I’ve actually had wanks over all sorts of ass. I mean, I’m a fucking athelete, I’ve had wanks over bitches in tracksuits.
JUSTIN: Jesus, Mark, stop saying “bitches”.
MARK: I’m dead serious, Good Man. I’ve climbed Kilimanjaro.
JOSH: Can we dial it back to the thing about big tits, guys? Because I think this is a great, great message but I think we need to work on the specifics.
JUSTIN: How do you mean?
JOSH: Well, I am super super into appreciating the ladies in all their fuckable forms. But I am not down with the tone of Mark’s idea.
JUSTIN: Hmmm. Are you worried that this could just be another form of objectification which happens to fetishise a different body type? Because Good Men do not objectify. That is strictly the domain of Bad Dudes.
JOSH: Exactly. We need to get the message out that Good Men can get a stiffie for all kinds of titties, not just the tiny firm ones attached to skinny girls who can ride you like a marathon runner.
[MARK starts rubbing the CROTCH AREA OF HIS TROUSERS subtly with the BACK OF HIS HAND.]
JUSTIN: I like it, I like it…
JOSH: So how about a companion piece in praise of big, fat titties, yeah? You know, the really huge ones that spill all everywhere and you can get your face right into and just shake it around, yeah? Uh, hubba hubba. And those stacked bitches…
JUSTIN: Stop saying “bitches”!
JOSH: Sorry, Good Man. Those stacked ladies, hey they might not know as much about booklearning and things, but damn, are they jolly. I mean, they look like they would totally laugh at all my jokes. Especially my one about “chest manatees”.
[MARK moans softly.]
JUSTIN: This is exciting! I think we really need to get the message out there that Good Men don’t just reduce women to body parts we can masturbate over. We use those body parts as the foundation for a set of stereotypes, then masturbate over the caricatured version of a woman we’ve come up with! This is really going to change the way people talk about Good Men’s sexual desires.We are going to get respect.
[JUSTIN also begins to SUBTLY MASSAGE HIS NOB through his TROUSERS. JOSH has already achieved a state of HAPPY TUMESCENCE and is making CAR NOISES as he STROKES HIMSELF and imagines DRIVING IN CIRCLES round a GIANT BLACK WOMAN who he has DEFINITELY NOT OBJECTIFIED.]
JOSH: So, Mark, you’re on small breasts. Justin, you do the big ones. And I’ll do a round-up piece about how we’re totally entitled to get a hardon about all the titties, no matter how those bitches try to kill our boners by objecting to our leching.
MARK: Did you say “bitches”?